i was the smelly kid

I was the smelly kid in college. I wasn't a Comp Sci major, I was just Miserable. Miserable with a capital M. Diagnosably Miserable, I just didn't know it at the time.

When you really get into the trenches, hygiene is generally the first thing to go. I must've smelled like cigarettes, weed, BO, sweat, dirty laundry, and cum. I imagine I smelled like a homeless person. Don't buy into the romanticized representations of mental illness, it does a disservice to the people who actually suffer. It diminishes the reality. That being, it's dark and ugly. And smelly.

When I look back, I realize that I knew I smelled like a dumpster. I was aware. I just didn't care.

Hygiene Indifference. I learned this term recently, and it inspired me to write this post. They actually have a descriptive label to explain what you're smelling. It's a level of apathy that people have trouble comprehending. You care so little about everything, everything including yourself. It's just not worth the effort, not worth the time. It's at this point you should really start to seek help. You've lost your belief in everything, and in the process you've lost your humanity. This is dangerous territory.

Spiteful people still believe in something. Despite their misguided hatred, they are being informed by some sort of value system. The truly apathetic lose their orientation, their compass, because their actions are no longer informed. We regress to animalistic drives. At least with hateful people, there is still opportunity for redemption. For the miserable, a shot at redemption means little to nothing when all you can see is arid desert.

If I'm to be honest with you, this is one of the more shameful memories I have. I'm still processing it. It's really embarrassing. Not nearly as bloodcurdling as my Manic shame memories, that's a different bucket.

Regardless, it feels good to write this out somewhere other than my journal. Really needed to air it out. Take care of yourselves.