kindness, decency, and being nice

You can be any combination of the three. The distinction between the three has taken me a lifetime to discern.

Decency is the bare minimum. You don't have to be kind or nice, but you must be decent. You shouldn't associate with anyone who lacks decency. I think, at their core, everyone knows what common decency consists of. Don't rob people of their agency, don't make them suffer through indignities that they themselves are not willing to. I think basic decency is hard coded into human DNA, and doesn't really need to be explained. This is why a lack of basic decency is so appalling; you know that they know it's wrong to act devoid of this quality. They choose to act like dickbags anyway. The presence of unsavory behavior isn't necessarily a disqualifier, it's the absence of decency. Like most things, context is key, but decency is absolute.

Kindness is a bit trickier. Kindness goes hand in hand with decency, but not necessarily with being nice. Being kind implicity involves a sense of decency, which is why you should strive to be kind always. Someone is an asshole, fine. You don't have to be nice about it, you don't have to put up with it. You can respond with similar levels of assholery. The extension of kindness thus isn't overt, it can occur entirely in the mind. You can shrug off the interaction, the onus isn't on you to fix their parts. The kindness lies in your attempt to understand why they are the way they are, or what circumstances may have led to their conditioning. You should extend this consideration to anyone that bothers you. It both humanizes them, and helps resolve whatever qualms you may be left with. Being kind is both an act of mercy and guardian of your peace. Kindness is the quality you should strive for.

Being nice is trickier. Someone can be nice, but lack decency and kindess. Being nice can be entirely superficial, which is why being fake nice is often viewed with scorn. Being fake nice is a pernicious form of manipulation, especially in the absence of kindness. Being nice then becomes a means to an end, and ceases to exist in parallel with decency. Being nice is pleasant, and a fine additive to your behavior, as long as you accompany it with the other two qualities.

Often, people are artifically nice because they don't want to disrupt decorum. They fear rocking the boat, and hide their true selves from those around them. This does a huge disservice to yourself. If you build up a reputation around values that you don't really embody, people will learn to like you for a version of you that isn't true. You are thus forced into a role that isn't representative of who you really are, all for the sake of being nice. You don't have to be nice, as long as you're kind. If your company ends up disliking you for the real you, at least then you know that those people aren't for you. It filters out the energy draining relationships the first go around, and leaves you with more energy to commit to those who like you for who you are.

Strive to be kind, not nice.